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The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats, and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when
threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Angry" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300
years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing
the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy
has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain - "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
The Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

The Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive
strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to
"BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some
toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more
level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue
us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be al'right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and
"The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of
the final escalation level.